Beyond a World of Goodbyes

A personal essay on the SIF-ASEAN Student Fellowship 2004

"Reach for the stars, fly high as you can,

Brave the wind, move the mountain,

You can do it, YES, YOU CAN!"

- From the song Reach for the Stars, sung by Tata Young

at the XIII Asian games in Bangkok

The summer of 2004 had just begun when I stepped into the Office of International Programs in my home university for my qualifying interview into the SIF-ASEAN Student Fellowship program. Dressed in my freshly ironed black slacks, red collared top and leather boots, I confidently entered the room with a bright smile and a ready heart. I took a seat in front of the panel of interviewers, which was composed of the head of the Office of International Programs, two Filipino fellowship alumni, and Mr. Gerald Yeo, Director of International Networking at the Singapore International Foundation.

After several minutes of talking about my personal strengths and abilities, sharing my passion to make a difference in the lives of my countrymen, and defending my choice of candidate for the upcoming Philippine Presidential elections, Gerald asked me a most unexpected question. He said, “Angel, I noticed you like to smile a lot. Tell me, what is it that makes you feel really sad?”

Having been caught off guard, I paused momentarily to think of an answer to this perplexing question. Finally I said, “What makes me feel really sad is saying goodbye.”

Reminiscing our days at NTU...

Indeed, we live in a world of endless goodbyes. Having just graduated from my university a few weeks before the interview, I recalled the pain of saying goodbye to the people I cherished most in my four years of college. After I found out that I was accepted to the Fellowship, I again went through a whirlwind of goodbyes as my family and friends gathered for traditional Filipino despedida parties celebrated in my honor as a way of sending me off into a new and exciting journey. Saying goodbye to my family and friends in the Philippines was not that difficult because though I was filled with trepidation at the idea of being away from home for five months, I was also filled with anticipation for the wonderful new experiences that lay ahead. Little did I know that only a few months later, another painful goodbye awaited me.

I remember the last day of the Fellowship well. Hardly anyone slept a wink the night before because we were all doing last minute packing. Our rooms were turned upside down as we contemplated on what we wanted to take home with us and what we had to leave behind. In the wee hours of the morning of 10 December 2004, we lugged our overweight suitcases down several flights of stairs and hauled them into the bus. On the ride to the airport, we were silent, perhaps because of the fatigue we all felt or the dread of seeing the Fellowship, not only for our batch but for the program itself, finally come to an end.

NTUers last complete photo. December 10, 2004.

Good thing our swollen eyes aren't obvious in this picture!

Arriving at the airport and seeing the fellows from the other universities was an intense and emotional period. It was not the first time the tears flowed. We had been crying since ASEAN Nite, during the Fellowship reflections, on the bus ride to the airport for some, and perhaps even before that for others. Seeing everybody in the airport clad in their blue and grey “baseball” shirts with their luggage strewn about and plane tickets in hand brought down the reality that this was going to be the last time we would be together as a group. Indeed, it was hard to fathom how the people we were saying goodbye to during those moments had come to mean so much to us after what seemed like a very short four and a half months.

The NTU girls just can't let go of their favorite guy...

At the end of the fellowship, it was difficult to say goodbye because for a few months, we had experienced life together. Some of us went to the same university, slept under the same roof, visited the same places, and participated in the same activities. But while we were having similar experiences, we also met different people, studied different subjects, and experienced the fellowship in our own unique ways. We grew close to one another because whether our experiences were different or the same, we immersed ourselves in each other’s stories. Not only did we share in each other’s joy and happiness, we also shared in each other’s pain and sorrow.

During endless conferences that could last from midnight to sunrise, we laughed at each other’s crazy antics, sang enthusiastically to our favorite songs, and ravaged our supply of fattening snacks. In the quiet moments, we shared our hopes and dreams, as well as our doubts and fears. When times got tough and we felt like we were hanging on to life by a thread, we cried with each other and held each other’s hands. Not only did we see each other in our worst physical state – such as the times when we just woke up without having taken a bath, combed our hair, or brushed out teeth – we also saw each others’ faults, weaknesses and limitations. But even after seeing all these, we loved and accepted each other just the same.

Together through thick and thin, the NTU girls have become my best friends.

From L-R: Neuy, Giang, Susan, Me, Bong and Wina.

In the fellowship, we depended on one another. Whenever there was a new activity that had to be organized, we were there to lend a helping hand. For instance, during the Makan Fiestas, fellows from different countries helped the host country for the night to prepare the food, set-up the place, and clean up after all the food had been heartily eaten. During the ASEAN Stories Project, we worked late on many nights and helped each other with props and costumes because we wanted to make sure that all the ASEAN fellows would be able to put up a performance that would show the best their country had to offer. In school, when somebody was stressed out about a project or an exam, other fellows would immediately help the person study or do the project even if it meant losing sleep as well. If they couldn’t help in a concrete way, they would give the person moral support by simply writing notes of encouragement or giving her a slice of her favorite cheesecake.

My kababayans have proven to be the most loyal and trustworthy companions.

The Pinoy Makan Fiesta. August 18, 2004.

From L-R: Wil, Richard, Maida, Gabby, Plim, Roy, Me, Rae, and Tope.

In the fellowship, we had disagreements, but we also forgave each other. While working on different projects, it was inevitable for different personalities to clash and for the fellows to fight for their ideas. I remember the ASEAN Beauty Pageant which caused a lot of strife among the fellows because both the contestants and the organizers felt pressured to come up with a unique performance in such a short span of time. Despite the physical and emotional stress, however, we managed to put on a great show which impressed our audience at the Raffles Institution.

The beautiful ladies of ASEAN!

Raffles Institution. August 17, 2004.

In the fellowship, we encouraged each other and we worked together to achieve common goals. During the ASEAN Student Action Project, we braved the heat of the sun and gathered all the strength we had to collect old clothes and newspapers to earn money for our new friends in Tanglin School. When a fellow was afraid to swing on a rope from one end of the pool to the other during Fellowship Camp, to walk alone across the forest of Pulau Ubin in the middle of the night, or to crawl in the dark amidst the cold knee-deep water inside the caves of Malaysia, the other fellows boosted that person’s confidence by assuring her that she could do it and that the other fellows would be right behind her. For ASEAN Nite, we practiced day and night to come up with the best possible performances and to remain true to our promise to reach for the stars and together achieve a brighter future for ASEAN.

"FAN-TASTIC!!!"

Fellowship Camp at NACLI. Spetember 25, 2005.

Without a doubt, we were blessed to have experienced the true sense of fellowship for four and a half months. But as Gerald always told us, “All good things must come to an end.” Such is the cycle of life. Seasons change, the tides rise and fall, and day turns into night. Renowned author, Paulo Coelho says, “One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.”

Now that the fellowship is over and no matter how painful the goodbye, it is indeed time to let go and move on to the new and exciting experiences that still await us. For those of us who have graduated, it is time to find our passion and develop our careers. For others, it is time to go back to school, get immersed in their studies and extra-curricular activities, and share with their peers the insights they gained from the fellowship. But even if we have closed this cycle of our lives and gone on different paths, the impact of the fellowship remains etched in our hearts. I find it amazing how the fellowship continues to have an effect on my own life and on the choices I make even after it is over. Not only do I now have a greater knowledge of ASEAN, I also have greater concern for its affairs. The fellowship has made Southeast Asia, which was previously abstract, very real and concrete to me. I now care more deeply about Singapore, Thailand, Cambodia, Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam, Laos, Myanmar, and Brunei because they are no longer just any countries – they are the homes of my friends.

Traveling is a joy when you have generous friends to take you around!

Hanoi, Vietnam. December 15, 2004.

In the beginning of the fellowship, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves. This letter was then mailed to us at the end of the fellowship to remind us of where we came from and of how far we had come. A few days ago, I received that letter in the mail and as I read it again, I realized why it was so hard for me to say goodbye to my friends at the end of the fellowship. In that letter, I promised myself that I would build deep and meaningful relationships. However, I didn’t know at the time that to build relationships entailed a great risk on my part – the risk of being truly open, being vulnerable, getting hurt, letting others see my weaknesses, and allowing myself to love and be loved in return. Looking back at the experience now, I see that the only reason I had the courage to take that risk was because the other fellows took that risk with me. On the last day of the fellowship, one of the fellows told us that the fellowship “ruined his life”. I agree, because it ruined my life too – but in a good way. Indeed, being in the fellowship and building bonds was a risk worth taking because though the fellowship had to come to an end, I know that the friendships we have formed will continue to affect us in deep and profound ways.

Right now, I have no way of knowing what other effects the fellowship will have on us in the future. I have no doubt that in time, each of the fellows will be great political leaders, businessmen, teachers, ambassadors, and true inspirations in their own spheres of influence. I cannot predict when or under what circumstances our paths will cross again. All I know for sure is that beyond this world of endless goodbyes, the fellowship will live on.

Batch 2004 Fellows at the 2nd SIF-ASEAN Alumni Conference in Singapore. April 8, 2005.